I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
