Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
