she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
