Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
