how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
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