Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
