I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
