I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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