Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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