It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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