My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
There r osticjed everywhere
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
