I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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