Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
