I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
