I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Randomize
