So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
