Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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