Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I wish there were birth control emojis
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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