i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize
