i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
