hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Randomize