How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
im having a threesome with these popsicles
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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