I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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