so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
