If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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