I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
