I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Are we still banned from the library?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
