Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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