mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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