so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
