Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
