watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
