Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
