This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
