I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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