Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
