This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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