Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
