Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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