the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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