Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
