you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
