I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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