if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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