I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
