Soap is not a condiment
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize