I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
