So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
