you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
