Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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