My liver just broke up with me...
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
