dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize