I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
That's when you crack a 10am beer
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
