My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
then he tried to convert me to islam
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
