my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
