Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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