Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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