Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
