$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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